


It Would Be Better (If We Never Met)

by CoffeeandKlance_AU



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, M/M, Pining Keith/Lance (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Soft Keith/Lance (Voltron), keithisdoubtinghimself, kinningkeith, lancetotherescue, poor lance, softAngst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:46:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27728986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeandKlance_AU/pseuds/CoffeeandKlance_AU
Summary: Keith was not prepared for Lance. He did not know what to do when the blue-eyed boy stepped into his life, swept him off his feet, and left him breathless. And Keith is terrified, because what is he supposed to do in the face of love he doesn't think he deserves?
Relationships: Keith & Lance (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 53





	1. I Would Rather Hate You

**Author's Note:**

> Not me writing a personal soft angst because Keith and I are on the same level of thinking it's better to be alone and that we don't belong anywhere. :)  
> Warning: Slight cursing

Keith's gut twisted as Lance appeared behind his locker door at the end of the school day. Again.

"Hey, Lance."

Said boy wore a big smirk and kicked himself off Keith's neighbouring locker. Keith tried not to notice the faint freckles that decorated along his nose and cheeks, or the way the blue shirt Lance wore fit nicely. 

"Keith, I -" Lance tried to rake a hand through his hair, but a strand got stuck with one of his many ear piercings. "Ouch - ow ow ow."

Keith rolled his eyes and resisted a smile. "Lean down a little bit, dumbass."

Lance pouted and did as Keith asked. But he leaned down too far, and their faces became inches from each other. Centimetres. Keith could no longer deny that Lance's sapphire eyes reminded him of the transition in the sky when the sun set and the night took over. The point where you could still see outside, but faint stars spotted the sky - similar to the slight glimmer in Lance's eyes. Keith cleared his throat and dropped his gaze. He untangled Lance's hair from the earring and took a step back, hating how his face burned.

"Thanks, Samurai." 

Keith wanted to punch and kiss the wide grin on his face

"Do you need something?" Keith asked as Lance followed him from his locker and out the front doors of the school. 

"Did you hear about the game coming up this Saturday?" Lance asked. "Hunk's supposed to play all game since the last goalie broke his ankles."

 _No. You have to say no._ Keith braced himself. Made his voice come out flat, "That sucks."

"I know right? Who breaks their own ankles? It's not even basketball." Lance was clearly waiting for a response, but Keith had only quickened his pace and kept his mouth shut. After they weaved their way through the bustling parking lot, Lance let out an awkward laugh. "Yeah, well, anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to -"

"I'm busy Saturday."

 _Don't look at him._ Keith clasped the straps of his back pack so hard his knuckles turned white. _Do not look at him._

"Oh." 

Dammit. Keith saw Lance's face fall. The sparkle in his eyes flickered out and the smile on his face faltered. Keith wanted to hit himself for making him upset. It was the last thing he wanted to do, but he had no other choice. 

"Yeah. Sorry."

"It's no problem. I get it. You're taking a lot of AP classes right? You must be swamped with homework all the time."

Keith didn't even have to make up an excuse. Lance always made one for him. When Keith had first rejected him, Lance said it was because they "didn't know each other well enough yet". After a full year of being friends, much to Keith's resistance (okay, he didn't really try _that_ hard to avoid him), Lance gave him the excuse of anything and everything he could think of. Sometimes he claimed Keith was busy with school clubs - Keith wasn't in any - and other times it was homework.

And this time was no different. Keith got all of his school work done two days ago, much to his own surprise. Usually he crams everything until the day before it's due, but nearly three fourth of the school year was over and teachers were getting tired. It's their own fault for assigning so much shit they have to grade.

"Your house is that way," Keith said, and pointed down the road opposite from where they were heading. 

Lance rubbed the back of his neck. "I was going to walk you home...unless you don't want me to?"

 _No, I don't,_ Keith wanted to say. If he had the guts, he would turn Lance around and send him on his way. But he couldn't, and he despised himself for it. A small part of him knew how unfair he was being to Lance. Keith loved having his attention, loved having him around and cracking jokes and just being with him. And that want snowballed into the larger, uglier part of Keith that wanted Lance to stay next to him. To throw away the thoughts of him being stupid for keeping Lance to himself like this and enjoy it while it lasted.

With no rejection from Keith, Lance's mood brightened. They walked along side each other in silence as the bitter February wind swept down the street. 

Keith shivered, tucking his hands under his sleeves.

"Hey, are you cold? That thin jacket of yours probably isn't helping much." 

Lance started unzipping his own winter jacket before Keith's hand shot out and stopped him. "I'm not taking your jacket." 

"Who said I was going to give it to you?" Lance raised an eyebrow.

"Then what are you doing?"

A sly expression slid onto Lance's face, and in a blur, Keith was swaddled under Lance's jacket with his backside pressed to Lance's chest. He almost yelped, feet skidding across the ice patch on the sidewalk. Before he had a chance to escape Lance's grasp, the taller boy zipped up the jacket and trapped them together under the thick material. 

"There we go. Now neither of us are cold."

"How are we supposed to walk?"

"Like penguins."

"I am _not_ going to walk like a penguin -"

"Oh come on, you would make a cute penguin. You've already got the black hair and everything!"

Keith stopped himself from elbowing Lance in the ribs. 

Despite not wanting to, Keith and Lance did end up shuffling down the sidewalk towards Keith's house. The smaller boy avoided the thoughts of how nice and warm it felt under Lance's jacket. And the fact that Lance's quiet humming wasn't as bad as he would tell him it was. He tried to focus on how lucky he was to live close to school and forced himself to look happy once they reached his doorstep and Lance let him go. 

Keith's hand paused on the door handle. Lance still stood behind him when he turned around. 

"I'll...I'll see you tomorrow at school, yeah?"

Another smile overcame Lance's face, but it was different. The smile was strained, and the light didn't reach his eyes. "Yeah. See you tomorrow."

When Keith shut his front door behind him, his heart sank. His mother talked to someone in the kitchen. Probably a phone call. Keith waved at her from the kitchen doorway to let her know he made it home before going up to his room.

He shut his bedroom door and threw his bag by his desk. He fell back onto his bed and got out his phone, going into his photos. There was only one he scrolled to. It was a picture taken at the end of sophomore year. Hunk had just played in the region championships for soccer and won, and they all went to celebrate after. Keith had many pictures of that night - Shiro, Hunk, and Pidge all making fools of themselves and posing in a goofy manner. But the one Keith looked for was the single photo of Lance's side profile. It was a slightly blurry picture, and Lance wasn't looking at the camera because Keith had taken it without him knowing. Of course Lance had offered to be in pictures, but Keith had refused and deleted all the rest that Lance had been in. Except this one. No matter how much he tried, no matter how many times his thumb hovered over the trash can icon at the bottom of the screen, he couldn't get himself to press it. 

Keith had wanted to say yes. He wanted to say yes every time Lance had asked him out. The feelings he had for him weren't evident at first. They met in freshman year, when Keith had gone off school grounds during lunch and was trying to sneak back in by climbing the brick wall behind the school's back cafeteria doors. Lance and Hunk had been out there, covered in small bits of food and searching for one of Lance's earrings that Pidge threw out there. 

Keith remembered being breathless at Lance's bright smile and how fast he agreed to help them find it. And he had, after five minutes. It was a small moon shaped earring. Lance thanked him for finding it and left with Hunk into the lunch room. Keith thought that was the end of that and moved on. 

But they kept running into each other. 

It was kind of ridiculous, and sometimes Keith wondered if Lance had planned it. They bumped shoulders in the hallways and Keith noticed Lance was in three of his seven classes. A week after the earring-hunt incident, Shiro suggested that they sit with Lance and his friends. Everything fell into place after that, and it took sometime for Keith to realize it. To notice how he stared at Lance longer than what was probably necessary, or how he found himself intensely listening to what the Cuban boy had to say even if it was stupid. He slowly let himself get so involved with him that Shiro commented on how much time they spent time together.

 _"It's kind of weird, but in a good way,"_ Shiro had said, _"It took you forever to get that close to me, but i'm glad you're finally opening up to people Keith."_

Lance had been over the moon after he heard that. He started boosting about his 'supreme' social skills, and commented that everyone wanted to be friends with him. 

Keith, on the other hand, had shut down. The realization of what was happening hit him full force, and his mind went on fight or flight mood. But because he could do neither without ghosting all of his friends or seeming like a total asshat and beating up Lance for being too good of a person - what kind of reasoning is that anyway? - he decided slowly closing off their relationship was the best move. And it was the worst decision he ever made.

His and Lance's relationship, once so close and personal, died out. Keith denied hanging out with him after school. He signed up for harder classes and offered to help his mom at home with some of her freelance work so he would seem legitimately busy. His replies to Lance's commentary and snarky remarks became shorter and shorter. The late nights texting diminished to quick two minute conversations, and that was if Keith had enough guts to answer Lance's text. At one point, Keith had thought he'd been successful with cutting Lance off until he met him on the first morning of the sophomore year in high school and Lance confidently said;

_"Keith Kogane, go on a date with me."_

Imagine the embarrassment both of them felt when Keith covered his face and ran without giving a reply. 

Since then, Lance had asked Keith out at least once every two weeks. Sometimes, if mercy was feeling generous, Keith only had to deny him once a month. Their relationship became strained, held together with a thread because of Lance's persistence and stubbornness. Keith snorted to himself. Their relationship? Like he could call it that. He didn't know what they had anymore. Lance tried so hard and Keith ignored how much it hurt to keep turning him down. 

"I'm sorry," Keith sighed, thumbing over the mediocre picture of Lance on the tiny phone screen. "I'm sorry, Lance." He turned off the phone. Stared at the ceiling. Let the thoughts run wild, because he learned that was better than trying to supress them.

 _He'll leave eventually,_ A dull ache enveloped his chest. _Soon he'll realize he deserves much better than me._

~

Lance hadn't tried to talk to Keith since the evening he dropped him off at home. 

Half of Keith felt relieved. Lance finally got the hint and moved on. Lance would forget him, and whatever they had been stringing along these past few years of high school would disappear. Maybe Lance would tell his future college friends about him; about how much of a douche Keith was and how he regretted wasting so much energy on him. Or in the best case scenario, Keith would fade from his memory all together.

The other half of Keith, however, was crushed. Absolutely shattered. A heavy pressure pressed down on his shoulders, and a sickening hope filled his stomach every time he thought he caught sight of blue eyes and tanned skin. Maybe Lance didn't forget about him. Maybe he got sick walking in the cold after school and stayed home. Keith was half tempted to text and see if he was alright, but convinced himself not to last minute. He wasn't sure if Lance was at home or if they just weren't crossing paths like they usually do in school. It's not like Keith saw Lance in any of his classes; he had purposely designed his schedule that way to make it easier to avoid him. 

Keith met Hunk, Pidge, and Shiro frequently throughout the school days, but Lance was never with them. When Keith asked about it after the third time of not seeing him, they had an excuse of where Lance was and acted slightly off. Keith didn't know why and he didn't bother to ask. With his own worry focused on where Lance had gone and struggling with his inner turmoil on letting him go, he decided he would ask them about it in a few more days if they kept up the attitude. 

After the weekend ticked by and there had been no sign or text from Lance by Tuesday, Keith had come to accept that maybe his cold shoulder worked. Lance had left him alone.

Keith tried to stay positive. He lied to himself, over and over again, that this is what he wanted. He didn’t deserve Lance. The beautiful, big-hearted boy should go find someone else who could give him better than Keith could.

 _You’ve always been better alone_. Keith squeezed his AP biochemistry books to his chest. The thought burned him from the inside out. _You don’t belong with Lance. You don’t belong with anyone._

Keith stayed at the library for an hour after school to study, and when he came out the emptied halls felt unnerving. He nodded a quick goodbye at the librarian and wrapped his thin jacket tight around him before getting outside. Lance was right - the jacket didn't do jack squat against the cold temperatures. 

“Hey, samurai.”

Keith’s shoulders tensed. The quick thought of fleeing crossed his mind, but he can't keep leaving his problems behind only for them to catch up later.

"Hey." Keith offered a small smile to Lance, who walked up to him from one of the sidewalks that trailed to the back of the school. Keith wiped the smile off his face as soon as he felt it. No. He couldn't do that. "What were you doing?"

"I was helping Hunk practice with soccer drills on the field." Lance came closer to Keith, but stopped a good distance away. It was unnatural, seeing Lance standing _right there_ but also not at the space Keith's used to. Normally the boy would come up right next to him, swing his arm around his shoulder or be in arm's reach at maximum. But now, if Keith held out his hand, he was sure he wouldn't be able to brush Lance's shirt.

"Where are you headed?"

"Uh, home?" Keith furrowed his brows. "Like you are, i'm guessing?"

Lance sighed, embarrassment evident in the way he covered his eyes. "Yeah. Forget I asked. There's something we need to talk about."

"Now?"

"Do you mind if we talk at your place?"

The question stunned Keith. When was the last time Lance had stepped foot inside Keith's house? It had to have been years ago.

Trying to shake off the awkward atmosphere, Keith tried at a joke, "If you're going to murder me, can it at least not be in front of my mom?"

Lance didn't even try to smile. "I'm not going to murder you, Keith."

 _Shit, he used my name._ A rare occurrence, and one that never meant good things.

"Okay," Keith fumbled with what to say. "I mean, yeah, we can go to my place."

The walk to his house was quieter than it had ever been before. Keith never realized how much he counted on Lance's thoughts to fill up the silence between them, to have them both present with each other. Now, with only the rustling of leaves on the road and the scraping of their shoes against the sidewalk, Keith felt like they were a walking pair of strangers.

At home, Keith let Lance in first and they took off their shoes by the door.

"I'm in the office if you need me!" Keith's mom called after he shut the door. "Money's on the counter - do you mind ordering pizza for tonight?"

"No problem! Lance is here too -"

A shuffle, a bang, and Keith's mom peeked out of the door at the end of the hall. From her angle, she could probably see the edge of Lance's frame. "Lance? It's nice to see you again! You haven't been over in...years."

"It's nice to see you too, Mrs. Kogane."

She waved her hand. "None of that. Feel free to stay over for dinner if you like."

"Thanks, but I don't know if I will." 

With a shrug from Keith's mom, the two boys made their way up the stairs and into Keith's room. 

They set their stuff down on the floor and Keith sat on the edge of his bed, knee bouncing. He wasn't one to get nervous easily, but this quiet, impassive Lance had him on edge.

"So, what is it?"

Lance wrung his hands together. He remained standing in the middle of the room, eyes flickering over the shelves decorated with new trinkets and the desk in the corner piled with textbooks and loose paper. To him, it might seem like a completely different room from what it used to look like three years ago. The walls were now painted a dark grey with a muted red accent, and pictures of various bands and astronomy hung up on Keith's wall. Besides the clutter on his desk, the room felt lackluster. Missing personality.

"Lance?"

The boy paused. He lifted his head and met Keith's gaze. "I know you don't want me around."

Keith took a sharp inhale. Whatever he expected hadn't been _that_. 

"I -"

"You don't need to lie. It's fine. I knew for a long time now," Lance cut him off. "I just didn't want to let you go. I didn't..." He rubbed his temples. Stress lines appeared on his forehead. For a moment, Keith thought he might cry. Then, "I came here to understand why."

Keith opened his mouth. Closed it. He needed to speak - Lance was waiting for him to respond, and he looked stupid sitting on his bed with his mouth moving without words. 

"Why what?" he managed, but regretted asking.

"Why you closed yourself off. Why you didn't want me around anymore. Was it something I did?" Lance hugged himself, staying back. Staying away, just like Keith wanted. "That's all I need to know. I came here for closure. Because after all these years of wondering, I still don't know. I'm...i'm tired, Keith." 

_Tired of me,_ Keith bit his lip. This was it. Lance wanted answers and then he'd be gone. If this is what he's been trying to get Lance to do for so long, why did it hurt so much now that it was happening? A stupid question, actually. Keith had foolishly thought Lance would always be there for him. Even after all the ignorance, all the rain-checks and rejections, Keith convinced himself that Lance would stick around. 

And now he wouldn't.

"I'm sorry," Keith said. The apology left a tacky taste in his mouth. "I mean it Lance, I really am sorry." _But you don't need me._ _You will be fine without me._ "I should have made it clear sooner. Instead of dragging you along. I know you must hate me -"

"Shut up," Lance snapped. Keith jerked, the tone coming out like a whip lash.

"What?"

"You have _no_ idea what I feel." Lance's eyes glazed over and his jaw clenched. His whole body became stiff. Keith had never seen him like this before. 

"You're clearly upset," Keith pointed out. "I made you angry, and I don't blame you."

"You buffoon! You...mullet head!" The insults came weak, and if they weren't in this scenario, Keith might have laughed. But he kept quiet as Lance took a step closer and leaned down. "You made me fall in love with you, Keith. I would rather hate you right now."

Keith blinked. His mouth parted, and suddenly Lance's face was out of his own. The taller boy turned away and buried his face into his hands. 

"How could you not see it?" Lance asked. "For years - did you think me asking you out on dates was a joke? What did you think I was trying to do by keeping whatever scraps of our friendship we had together for so long? You came into my life and changed everything for me. I didn't even realize I was bisexual until I met you, and I gave Shiro a heart attack about it because I told him I had an illness for a week not understanding my feelings for you." He threw his hands in the air. "And next thing I know you're no longer interested. You tried to cut me off, tried to get me to go away no matter what I did."

"You liked me...since we met?" Keith asked softly.

Lance scoffed. "Really? I'm not even surprised anymore. Of course I liked you and that stupid mullet of yours since we met. I didn't realize until the end of our sophomore year that I..." Lance trailed off. Keith felt his phone under him and remembered the picture of Lance. Had it been that night? Had Lance thought about confessing? Of knocking Keith upside the head and tell him he loved him, no matter how much of a prick he was being?

"Well, aren't you going to say something?" Lance sniffed. He rubbed his shirtsleeve under his nose quick before facing Keith. "I'm pouring my heart out to you over here, and you're acting like you have for the past three years."

The jab didn't go unnoticed. "I...What am I supposed to say? You're only telling me now out of the blue and after you disappeared for a few days? You know how worried I was?"

"You could have texted," Lance said.

 _I wanted to,_ Keith bit back his words. _I have wanted to talk to you for so long about everything._

Lance uncrossed his arms. He gave up standing and went to sit next to Keith, though he left a considerable amount of space between them.

"Keith, i'm asking you to be honest. Why did we end up like this? I swear i'll leave once you tell me. I won't bother you anymore. I just need this." Lance almost sounded like he was begging. He stared at the floor, the bags under his eyes a little easier to see with the sunlight hitting the side of him. 

Keith fisted his hands. It took everything in him not to ask Lance to stay and hear him out. He did not deserve to ask Lance to stay. The love Lance claimed to have for him wasn't real. It would fade. Besides, how could Lance love him after what he's done?

But he _was_. The reminder sent a jolt down Keith's spine. Lance confessed to loving him for the majority of their high school days. Through everything Keith put him through. Lance had seen the ugliest side of Keith, and still chose to love him. The notion was unbelievable. Keith knew the taller boy admitted minutes ago, knew that Lance didn't have any reason to lie about it - but god, how could Lance love someone like him?

Keith deflated. He hated every part of himself. A overwhelming distaste that made him want to both cry and tear himself out from his own body. Why couldn't he be a better person for Lance? Why couldn't he be someone worth Lance's attention? The world cursed him the moment he was brought here, and never so badly had he wanted to curl up in a dark place and hide somewhere Lance nor his own feelings could ever find him. 

"Keith?"

His breath shook. He locked his stare on the floor. No matter what happened, no matter if Lance hated his guts at the end of all this, Keith knew what he needed to do was for the better. 

"I just...didn't want you around anymore," Keith said. "I thought maybe we could have been friends at first and then changed my mind." Lies. All of them. "It's nothing personal against you, Lance. We just wouldn't work out. That's why I thought distancing myself would be best, so that way we could just fall apart." The words physically hurt Keith to say. As soon as they fell from his mouth, he desperately wanted to take them all back.

"Was it something I did? Something I said?"

 _You're too good for me._ "No. Like I said, it was nothing personal." _Please stay. I want you to stay here with me. Call me out for lying._

"You can't just not want to be friends with someone for no reason," Lance said. He sat up on the bed, angled a little more towards Keith who refused to turn to him. "What did I do?"

"Interests can fade," _I liked you too much. When Shiro said we were close...I got scared. I overreacted._ "People can chose not to be friends with others for any reason."

"So it's just me as a person? I'm not interesting enough for you?"

Keith scrunched his face. "No, that's not -"

"Then what? Because just deciding we weren't compatible is an awful excuse to try and leave. Did the stars not line up right the day we met? Did you take a quiz online that told you to leave me behind? What _was_ it?" The bitter tone came back.

"I just don't...I..." Keith struggled. None of the words he came up with seemed good enough. _I don't deserve you, Lance. Can't you see that? Can't you make this easier for me and leave?_

"Don't what? Don't like me being loud all the time? You sound like you're not sure why you left me either -" 

"I left because I don't like you, Lance!" Keith panicked. The words tumbled now, falling out one after another, and he couldn't stop them. "I can't stand the way your so loud all the time!" _I love listening to your voice._ "You always get so close, it's like personal space doesn't matter to you -" _I want to hold your hand. I feel safe when you hug me._ "You are way too self conscious of everything you do and can't pay attention to anything for more than a few seconds!" _You are beautiful, and though you doubt yourself in so many ways, I think you are perfect._ "You get excited over the dumbest shit and can't take a damn hint when someone doesn't want you around!" 

_I am in love with you Lance, and I am terrified of the way you make me feel._

Lance sat quietly on the bed. Keith's regret bubbled up his throat. He swallowed down the apology and waited. Waited for Lance to yell back. Waited for him to slap him. 

"Thank you." Lance got up. He didn't look at Keith as he grabbed his stuff from the floor. "That's all I needed to know."

And he left. Walked out the door without turning back.

Tears stung the edge's of Keith's eyes. If he thought he hated himself before, he was wrong. Nothing in the world could make him feel shittier than he does now. He sniffed and blinked up at the ceiling, praying for the tears to go away. He knew this would hurt. Expected it. He shouldn't be so upset that Lance finally left. Isn't that what he wanted all along?

_You should be happy._

Keith curled on his bed. He tucked his chin over his knees and gave up on trying to get the tears to stop. He's alone now, like he should be.

And if he really thinks about it, it's no different than to how he was before. 


	2. I Would Rather Risk It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith didn't expect another chance. After driving Lance off, he thought he cut all the ties between them. But fate has a funny way of working.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This continues on Friday of the same week.

Keith rolled over. He pulled his blankets over his chin and stared blankly at the wall. 

He felt like shit. A dull ache wrapped around his bones, and exhaustion had chained him to his bed for the past few days. He was meant to be in school, but his pale face and dark eyebags concerned his mother enough to let him stay home. She brought up food throughout the day, and sometimes Keith managed to make it to his desk to skim over books he didn't want to read or scroll through his laptop to waste time. It never lasted longer than half an hour. He always ended up back in his bed, eyes closed and the fight between him and Lance replaying in his mind. 

He hated it. He wanted nothing more than to forget about Lance. About his wide blue eyes and how they filled with tears when Keith yelled at him. About how he clammed up, thanked him, and left without looking back. 

Keith groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, ducking his face under his duvet. 

_"Thank you. That's all I needed to know."_

Keith grit his teeth. Lance didn't know anything. He didn't know Keith spat those lies to him out of desperation. None of what Keith told him was true, but he needed Lance to leave. He needed to see how much better he could do without Keith dragging him down. 

Was Lance better off? Since Keith took the week off school and had the whole weekend ahead of him, the opportunity to see Lance wouldn't come until Monday. He also misplaced his phone, so he didn't know if Lance texted him - _doubtful -_ or if Shiro had. He wondered about Hunk or Pidge, but since those two are more of Lance's friends, the only reason they would be texting him is to curse him out. No, that would be Pidge. Hunk would guilt trip him with disappointed emoji faces and sad cat pictures. 

And goddammit, Keith _knew_ he'd cry if he saw a sad cat picture right now. 

He sighed and shifted, bringing his face back out from under the covers. An uneasy feeling crept in the back of his mind. It told him to get up. To do something besides lay in bed and feel sorry for himself. He lied to Lance to save both of their time. Now Lance could move on and find someone else, and Keith can go back to being the quiet kid in the class no one talked to or hung out with. Which brought up another point - would his friends hang out with him? Pidge and Hunk would most likely avoid him. Or deck him on sight. He wouldn't put it past Pidge to throw a right hook at him. Hunk would watch, but he'd feel bad. What about Shiro? He treated Keith like a younger brother since middle school. Best case scenario would be him scolding Keith the moment he found him in school Monday. He'd ask Keith why he said what he did. Ask him why he was so harsh and tell him how bad he hurt Lance like he didn't already know. 

Worst case scenario? Shiro ignored him. He'd side with Lance and give him the disappointed look that Keith despised with every bone in his body, and turn away. 

Keith's heart thumped hard. If Shiro left, if Pidge and Hunk were gone, who would he have? 

_No one,_ the voice in the back hissed awake, _just like we wanted._

No, that wasn't right. Keith only tried to get Lance to understand. His feelings for the blue-eyed boy developed past friendship. The constant want to hold Lance's hand, to laugh with him, to say yes and go everywhere Lance wanted to go - god, it _terrified_ Keith. The warmth in his chest when Lance smiled at him left him at a loss for words. The constant bickering and jokes between them were the highlight of Keith's days most times. It wasn't fair how much Lance affected Keith - how he came into his life and flipped it upside down. Made him feel like they could have something. Made Keith feel like he was more than just a _someone_. 

_But that's what I am._ Keith sat up in bed. A restlessness overtook him and he slung off his bedcovers. _I am just a nobody. I am replaceable. Lance will find someone else._

The cold floor stung the bottom of his feet. Under the covers, Keith had forgotten about turning on the heater. He shivered, cranked up the heater's dial, and flopped into his desk chair. He fit one knee to his chest and rested his chin on it. The computer flickered to life, and Keith didn't know what to do the home screen unlocked. A picture of misty Ireland fields decorated his background screen; he never changed it from the default settings, and often enjoyed the nature pictures that popped up. He found them soothing. 

After dragging his mouse over the home screen, he finally decided on going on the internet. He didn't feel like trying to find his phone, so he hadn't checked Instagram all week. Not like scrolling through social media would help him feel better, but he hoped it'd distract him for a while. 

He logged in, and the little airplane icon on the top of the page flashed pink. He paused. A _1_ sat in the middle of the circle. Talking to someone right now seemed like a lot of effort, but curiosity tugged the cursor icon over the little notification, and he opened it anyway. A short list of profiles showed up in his DM's. Hunk, Pidge...Lance. 

Keith stared at the bright profile picture showcasing Lance's backside. He was jumping, hands tossed in the air and the dimming sky highlighting his silhouette. Keith remembered the picture being taken on a camping trip the group went on during sophomore year. It had been at a point between Keith and Lance's relationship where things were still okay. Not the best, but Keith still let Lance in. The trip itself was a disaster - they didn't bring enough layers to keep them safe from the cold, one of the tent poles broke, and they got lost on the way to the camping site. But despite all of that, Keith had the time of his life with them. They stayed up talking over a poorly made fire, and the stars that night painted the sky. They had packed enough food to make it through two out of their three days out. Shiro had to go back and make a pit stop at a nearby gas station to buy a few more snacks.

_Speaking of Shiro..._

He had been the one to send Keith a DM. His username - _Imtired.tm -_ sat on the top of the list, bolded and with a little blue dot sitting next to a marker saying he sent the message twenty minutes ago. 

Oh no. Keith wasn't ready to be scolded at. Did Lance tell them today? Did he cry his eyes out and blubber about how much of a dick Keith had been over facetime? Keith didn't know what Lance did. He supposed it's not his business anymore, what's done is done. 

Keith hesitated before he clicked on the DM. Instantly, multiple messages popped up. 

Wednesday, 5:28pm

_Hey, you're not answering your text messages so i'm hoping this gets to you. Are you okay? I haven't seen you in school._

_Lance has been acting kind of funny too. Do you know what's up with him? Are you two talking?_

7:47pm

_Keith?_

Thursday, 11:31am

_Are you sick?_

_Alright I know you sleep in but not this late. Why aren't you answering my messages? Hunk and Pidge have tried texting too. Lance isn't talking. Did something happen between you two?_

3:16pm

_You're worrying me. So is Lance. What the hell is going on?_

_Are you coming to school tomorrow?_

5:20pm 

_I swear to god both of you idiots are going to be the death of me. I called you like sixteen times._

_Lance broke down at lunch today. Hunk had to take him outside so he could calm down...do you know why he's upset? Did you two fight?_

9:51pm

_Why aren't you answering?_

Keith bit his lip. So Lance hadn't told them anything.

Guilt tore at him. He didn't mean to worry anyone, he just needed to be alone. Talking to the others, being around Lance - he dreaded going back to school Monday. And being face to face with Lance, especially after hearing how he broke down, Keith didn't know if he could stomach it. If Lance let out the waterworks and started screaming at him, Keith would be torn on whether to stay silent and let Lance have at him, or if he'd beg for forgiveness. 

No, he couldn't do that. He didn't deserve to let Lance suffer anymore. He didn't deserve forgiveness from him.

Keith caught sight of the last message that Shiro had sent him twenty four minutes ago.

Friday, 3:14pm

_I'm coming over._

Oh shit. 

School let out at 3:20, and the walk to Keith's house wasn't more than twelve minutes. So that -

A knock echoed from downstairs. Keith's shoulders tensed as he heard his mom's footsteps pad to the front door and open it.

_No no no._

Keith slammed his laptop shut. His mom would tell Shiro he was upstairs. He couldn't hide - maybe jump out the window? The drop wasn't too low. Keith might hurt his ankle, but if it meant escaping...

"Hey Shiro! Yeah, he's upstairs. Don't get too close, yeah? He's been sick the past few days."

_It's now or never._

Unfortunately, Keith wasn't fast enough. When Shiro opened his door, only half his body dangled out the window.

The taller boy crossed his arms, eyes narrowed. "You don't look that sick to me. Where do you think your going?"

Keith glanced outside. If he let go of the sill, he could still leave. Out running Shiro might be a chance he'd have to take. 

"I'm getting some fresh air."

"Get back in here, Keith."

Who was he kidding? Keith could run all he wanted. Sure, he was faster than Shiro, but his stamina didn't last as long as his. Especially not with the way he's been sluggishly moving these past few days or how many meals he'd been skipping. 

Keith sighed and climbed back inside. He shut the window behind him, and Shiro pointed to his desk chair. 

"Fine," Keith murmured, and sunk in the chair, eyes glued to the floor.

"I want an explanation. Now."

Keith fiddled with his thumbs. He wanted to sink lower in the chair. If he was lucky, maybe it would swallow him up and he wouldn't have to be on the spot anymore, with a disappointed Shiro looking down on him.

"Keith what the hell has been happening? Everything was fine before Tuesday, and now you went AWOL and Lance is acting like he lost...like he lost his best friend..." Shiro went quiet. Keith winced. "Oh _no_."

The two stood in a thick silence. Keith didn't want to break the bubble around them. He worried that if he opened his mouth, the world would fall apart. If he admitted it, if the words were spoken aloud, it'd cut the single thread keeping Keith together.

"What happened between you two?" Shiro sat down on the bed. "Everyone's really worried. Lance shows up to school, but...he's not the same. He doesn't talk much. He goes to the bathroom a lot, for long periods of time. Hunk followed him in once and heard him crying in one of the stalls. He's a mess, Keith. And so are you. Maybe we can figure something out together."

"There's nothing to figure out," the lump in Keith's throat became apparent, and he curled his lip. He hadn't even admitted to what he'd done yet and he already wanted to cry. "We fought. The truth came out, and now he hates me. End of."

"What truth?" Shiro asked. "There isn't anything you could say that would cause Lance to hate you. Besides, he's more hurt right now then anything."

Keith picked at his nails. Guilt, nausea, self-disgust, and shame boiled in him. He didn't know how he could feel so conflicted at one time. He wanted it to stop. Wanted it all to go away. This would be so much better if he couldn't feel. 

"Keith. We aren't getting anywhere if you can't answer me."

"I -" Keith took a deep breath. Lance hadn't told them yet, but it was only a matter of time. "I told Lance I didn't want him around anymore."

Dead silence. 

Keith's heart thundered in his ears. He counted six beats before Shiro let out a snort.

"You said _what_?"

"I told Lance I never liked him and he was wasting his time trying to be friends with me," Keith let the words rush out. There. He said it. And boy, did he fucking _hate_ himself for it. "I told him we should have never became friends, and that I never wanted him around."

"Why in the world would you say that?" Shiro furrowed his brows. "Why would you -"

"Because he doesn't need me. He can find someone who deserves him." Before Shiro could reply, Keith added, "He wasn't picking up my hints any other way, so I just had to say it to his face. Now he's gone."

"What are you _on_?" Shiro shook his head. "You lied to Lance because, what, you thought you weren't good enough for him?"

"I'm _not_ good enough for him," Keith corrected. "I could never keep up. I dragged him down."

"That's bullshit. Do you know how happy you made him? Every time we were together it was as if you two were magnets. Either on the same team or competing with each other. When you weren't with us, Lance never failed to bring you up in the conversation. He couldn't go five _minutes_ without mentioning you."

"You're exaggerating," Keith mumbled. 

"You know me better than to exaggerate anything, Keith. I'm being serious. Lance always talked about you when you weren't around, and when you were...he acted different. He made more jokes, rambled more, had more energy. _You_ did that to him, Keith. He never thought you stopped him from moving forward in life. If anything, you pushed him. You made him a better version of himself."

Shiro's statement cut deep into him. Keith wanted to put his hands over his ears to block it out. He wished he never heard what Shiro said, because it caused him to feel more like a douchebag and built hope in his chest at the same time. 

"Well, now Lance can be a better version of himself without me," Keith said. 

"Would you stop being emo for one second? Do you not understand what I'm saying?"

"Yes, I do," _unfortunately ,_ "Lance liked me enough to stick around all these years, and -"

"He loves you, Keith."

Keith choked. His heart stuttered. 

_"You made me fall in love with you, Keith. I would rather hate you right now."_

His mouth dried. Lance did say that, didn't he?

"Why do you look so surprised? He made it so obvious - everyone knew," Shiro said.

_"How could you not see it? For years - did you think me asking you out was a joke? You came into my life and changed everything for me."_

"Lance...he said that," Keith barely got the words out of his mouth. He wasn't sure Shiro heard them. "When we fought, he told me he loved me."

"And what did you say?"

"I...I told him I didn't want him around anymore."

_"I can't stand the way you're so loud all the time! You always get so close, it's like personal space doesn't matter to you! You're so self conscious of everything you do and can't pay attention to anything for more than a few seconds! You get excited over the dumbest shit -"_

"Christ," Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why would you say that?"

"Because he's better off without me." Keith stopped picking at his nails. He pulled down his sleeves to cover his hands. "He's too good for me. He's better off without me."

"You _lied_ to him? That was your solution, dumbass?"

"I -"

"Lance comes in here, confesses, and you tell him to screw off, basically?" Shiro asked. Keith flinched. "That's awful. You're so much better that that, Keith. Why? Why would you _say_ that?"

"Because I was terrified!" Keith blurted. "I still am! Lance is everything I want - he's kind, genuine, ambitious, big-hearted, and god damn _stupid_ sometimes, but he was perfect to me. I...when you said we were getting close during our freshman year, I freaked out. I didn't want him to know who I was. I didn't want to see the day where he realized he was wasting his time on me and leave after I got attached. I didn't - I didn't know what to do. He would've realized how much better he could do at some point. So I tried to cut him out. Tried to save us from trying so hard with something that wouldn't work out."

"No, Keith." Shiro looked so much older than he did minutes ago. His dark grey eyes locked onto Keith's, and in all serious he said, "You love him, and you were being a coward by not letting him love you back."

The younger boy opened his mouth, but no words came out. He thought to deny Shiro - he didn't _love_ Lance. Love was such a strong word. Maybe he really, _really,_ liked him. But love?

A sinking realization sunk Keith's heart down to his toes.

"I don't know how you're going to fix this, but you're going to try. Lance is at his house right now with Hunk and Pidge. I'll text those two and tell them to leave so you can talk with him alone. But you need to apologize, Keith."

"I...he hates me now."

"He doesn't hate you. He's hurt really badly. Probably doesn't like you right now. But like I said, nothing you do could make that boy hate you," Shiro patted his shoulder. "You need to see him, Keith. You need to explain."

"Even if I do, what then? It's not like I -"

"If you say you don't deserve him _one more time_ ," Shiro threatened. Keith gulped. "I don't know how you got the notion in your head that you don't compare to him - that Lance is someone you can't be with because he's oh-so-too-great-for-you, but you need to get it out of your head. You deserve to be happy. You two belong together. Depriving yourself from being with him is tearing you _and_ him apart. It's hard. It's not as simple as i'm saying it is. It's going to scare you shitless. But you need to express your feelings. You need to go over there, tell Lance everything, and take the next steps."

Keith raked a hand through his hair. Fear knotted his gut. "What if he never wants to see me again?"

Shiro gave him a small smile. "I don't think that'll happen."

~

Thirty minutes later, Keith stood in front of Lance's front door bundled under three layers of sweaters and his shoes soaked through from walking through the snow. 

He hesitated before ringing the doorbell. He almost wanted to sprint away when a figure moved behind the blurred glass. 

Instead, he stayed rooted on the welcome mat as the door swung open to reveal Lance's dad on the other side. 

"Keith! Wow, it's been a long time, huh?" The Cuban accent sounded familiar. Crinkles decorated the corner's of his bright blue eyes, and Keith figured that's where Lance got his from. 

"Hi, Mr. McClain."

Much like Keith's mother, Mr. McClain waved his hand at the formalities. "Don't call me that now, make me feel old. Are you here to see Lance?"

 _I'm here to dig my grave, if that's what you mean._ "Yeah, is he here?"

"Sure is! Come on in," Mr. McClain gestured him inside. Keith took off his shoes by the door and wiggled his toes, trying to get some life back into them. "He had some friends over earlier too, but they left not too long ago. He's still in his room down the hall. You remember?"

Last door on the left down the hall. "Yeah, thank you." 

"No problem. He's been acting a little weird these past few days...maybe you can cheer him up." Lance's father shrugged. He took off his ballcap, revealing a full head of hair. Even in his fifties, he looked around thirty years old. 

_Sorry about that. I kind of crushed his heart earlier this week...we're still good though, right?_

Instead Keith said, "I'll try my best."

Keith tip toed as quietly as he could down the hall. He stopped in front of Lance's closed door. The room wasn't far from the front of the house. If Lance had heard Keith come in, he choose to not come out. 

He bit his lip again. He'd been chewing on it all day, and he was sure it bled a little earlier. He wiped his sweaty palms on his sweat pants and knocked on Lance's door. 

A muted shuffle came from behind. A soft grumble, and footsteps. 

"Pidge, is that you? I thought you said you would come back to get your charger tom-"

Lance choked on his words when he opened the door and found Keith on the other side. 

"You're not...Pidge..." he finished lamely. 

Keith tried a smile, but he think it turned into a grimace. "No. I was hoping we could talk." 

Lance stood in the doorway a moment, and Keith had started to think he would say no before Lance turned away. "Shut the door behind you."

_Step One: Success_

But to be honest, he didn't even think he'd get this far.

Keith closed the door quietly behind him. Lance shuffled onto his bed and wrapped his big blanket around him, only leaving his face out. Keith smile inwardly at the cute sight until he realized what he'd done, why he was here, and what he needed to do.

He took a deep breath. He should have really thought this out before he came over, but it was too late now. 

"Lance, I wanted to say - well, I mean I came because I..." Where should he start? At the beginning, when they were freshman and explain how fast his feelings grew for him? Should he just come out and say he was sorry again? No. If their roles were reversed, Keith wouldn't want to hear another apology. He probably wouldn't have even let Lance in his room, so he was lucky Lance had let him.

"Thank you for letting me in."

Lance blinked at him.

 _Not really how I wanted to start this._ "I know i'm the last person you want to see. That's my fault. This whole thing is my fault. I just..." Frustration bubbled in his stomach. Why couldn't he just say it? Why can't he be good with words like Lance? Why was he having such a hard time with this?

"Lance, I wanted to apologize." Keith tried again. "For everything. For all these years - for every time I blew you off and acted like a dick. Which was basically every day. You didn't deserve any of it. If I had been honest from the beginning, neither of us would be in this position right now, and more importantly, I wouldn't have hurt you like I did," Keith said. He ignored the waver in his voice. "Nothing I said on Tuesday was true. I lied. I lied so, so much. I wanted you by my side from the beginning. I never wanted you to leave me." Keith had been looking at Lance when he begun talking, but now, with Lance's gaze transfixed on him so steadily, face impassive, Keith lost his nerve. He flicked his gaze from the shining blue eyes to the floor and back up again. "I...I love it when you're loud. I like listening to your voice, and I especially love it when you get excited over the smallest things, because your eyes light up and I get to see the dimple on your left cheek. I loved it when you got close to me - when you put your hand around my shoulder or tugged on my sleeves. It made me feel safe. It made me feel wanted in the group."

The confession left Keith so overwhelmed with emotion. Relief tasted sweet - he was getting everything out that he's wanted to Lance for _years._ But fear slithered in with an icy grip around his heart, screaming at him to shut up. To stop being vulnerable. Keith tamped it down. Now that all of it was coming to life, Keith could admit to whatever he want. If he got rejected, if Lance asked him to leave, he would. But Lance was going to hear what he had to say first.

"An you know what? I lied about it not being personal. It was." Keith frowned, clasping his hands together to keep them from shaking. "I wanted you to be more than my friend. I thought about you all the time, selfishly, wishing you would hug me tighter and hold my hand. I wanted to hear about all your insecurities, and I wanted to told tell you that we would work through them together because you're perfect to me. And yes, your attention span is _awful_ , but god do I think it's cute when you get confused after you blank out on part of the conversation and need to catch up," Keith's voice cracked, but he kept going. "And every time we hung out together I wanted to stay by your side. I wanted to beat you in every competition, and I wanted time to last longer. You made my day better. And after I cut us off from hanging out anywhere besides school, I started looking forward to school days because I _knew_ I'd get to see you."

He was breathless. He didn't allow himself to take time to breathe. In the instant where Keith tried to catch his breath to keep going, Lance piped up:

"Then why?"

_Why did you hurt me?_

Keith tried to hold back the tears that stung in the corners of his eyes. He can not cry right now. Not in front of Lance. 

"I didn't think any of the times you asked me out was a joke, you know," Keith said softly. "Every time you asked me, I got so happy. But...but a bigger part of me was scared. I owe you a full explanation, I understand that. But Lance, I don't know how to express how much you are to me. Ever since I met you, I thought of you as the most...genuine human being. You never let anyone change you, and you stuck up for what you believe in. I admire your strength, your social skills, the way you can just be you. I know there were times you never felt like enough for people, but you were always enough for me. Always." Keith looked at him now, determined to say what he needed to. "You asked why. Why I lied. Why I did this. It's because i'm a coward. Because I couldn't confront my own feelings for you, and because you're better off without me. I told myself, night after night, that you were too good for me. That I had to close off the relationship and save myself from hurting later when you found someone better and left me. I'm better off alone - I don't belong with you, even though I want to be. You deserve much better than me. And I know me being scared of our relationship is a sad excuse of why I treated you like garbage over the years. I fully expect you to kick me out after this and tell me to never talk to you again. I'm okay with that. But I wanted you to know why, because you deserve to hear the truth. None of this was because of you. I accept all the blame in this. I treated you unfairly. I took advantage of your kindness, and dragged you along all these years..." 

Keith braced himself. He saw Lance's lips part.

"I am in love with you Lance McClain, and I am terrified of the way you make me feel."

_And even when this is all said and done, I will forever love you._

What Lance had begun to say seconds ago died on his lips. The expressionless mask he had worn through Keith's spiel had slipped away, and now the shorter boy could read everything. Hurt, surprise, confusion - all of it flickered across Lance's face. Keith waited patiently to see if he would say anything. He didn't expect much. Maybe a "get out", or maybe a "you really _are_ a prick, aren't you?" but Lance sat in silence, swaddled under his blanket and face portraying all he needed to say. 

"It's okay," Keith broke the silence. He took a step back, hand on the doorknob. "I'll let myself out."

"No."

The command froze Keith to his spot. 

"Don't you _dare_ close me off. You don't get to say what you want and leave me again."

Keith knew he deserved that jab, but it hurt nonetheless. "You still want me here?"

"I don't even want to look at you right now, but if you walk out that door, I will _never_ forgive you."

Not needing to be told twice, Keith's hand fell from the doorknob and took his place back in front of Lance. He didn't know if Lance would forgive him even if he did stay, but if there was a chance, he would do whatever Lance wanted. 

"You are...you are an awful person."

 _Ah, here it comes._ Keith hung his head.

"I explained myself before, and I don't think you deserve me explaining myself again. But you hurt me. Really badly. You don't know how much I disliked you when you told me to get out after I confessed to you," Lance snapped. Though the softness in his eye did not waver. "I thought I hated you after that. I was a mess all week. I tried so hard to get you and all you did was - was treat me like dirt. But I couldn't. I ended up hating myself, because even though you rejected me, lied to me, put us through this...I still like you." 

Keith's eyes widened. 

"Don't look at me like that. It's hard to turn off your feelings for a guy you've liked for four years," Lance curled his lip briefly. "And don't think that let's you off the hook either. I'm still mad."

"I'm so sorry," Keith said. "I don't expect us to be okay right now. Or for a while. But i'll do whatever it is you want."

"Shut up...I know you will. And you're making it hard for me to be mad at you." 

Keith kept quiet.

"I didn't mean 'shut up' literally."

"I'm sorry."

Lance snuggled the covers up to his chin. "I always thought you were too good for me," the Cuban boy admitted. "I thought if I kept pestering you, if I kept asking you out and one day you finally gave me a chance, I would make it count."

The regret in the room felt suffocating. 

"I guess we both suck at talking about our feelings, huh?" Keith asked.

Lance huffed. "One of us more than the other."

"I'll take it."

Lance frowned. "Stop being so compliant."

"Sorry."

"You have to work on getting my forgiveness, but acting like this isn't going to be any better than how you acted before."

Keith went to apologize, but Lance squinted at him. "Right. Okay. Then how do you want this to be?"

Lance thought for a moment, eyes flicking back and forth across the floor. "Let's just act like ourselves. That's what we like best about each other, isn't it?"

Keith let a little smile settle across his face. "Yeah, it is."

"Good. But i'm still mad, so I get the right to have attitude."

"Understood...but I can't take you seriously when you look like a little kangaroo baby under that blanket."

Lance pouted and let the blanket fall off his head. "Rude. I am way cuter than a kangaroo baby."

"You're right."

Lance blanched. "Y-You can't just -"

"What? This is new for me. I'm trying to be as honest as possible here," Keith defended himself. 

"You're walking on a dangerous line."

"I would rather risk it all if it meant another chance, Lance." Keith took a seat on the floor in front of him. "I know it'll take time, but i'm prepared to wait."

"I know you are, Samurai."

Keith didn't know then, and Lance wouldn't admit it until three years later on their second anniversary, but Lance had begun to forgive him from that moment forward. 


End file.
